I”ll be honest there are days that I think, “I’m now sure i’m gonna make it through this Grief thing”. The ebb and flow of torturous emotions can sometimes be overwhelming. The truth is Losing Dennis has rocked my world. It has made me look at life in such a different way. From the way I spend my time, the conversations I have with people, what makes me laugh and much more. Time seems to stand still some days and I will audibly ask God, “So what we going to do today?”
I would be lying if i didn’t say that it has also made me question what I’ve told myself about GOD my whole life. ( Don’t go getting the wrong idea right here.) I”m not questioning GOD’s existence, His ultimate plan, His authority nor am I angry at GOD. It has made me ask myself what do I really stand on in times of deep hurt and pain. Is it GOD and GOD alone??
Through so many things that have broken my heart in my life i’ve always turned to GOD and I’ve told so many others who were having heart break and pain … “God is ABLE”. We say that we TRUST God with every aspect of our lives, but do we??? I’ve ask myself that lately.
I stand on Sundays and worship a GOD that holds my future in his hands. I praise him, cry to him and beg for understanding. He always seem to know just when to allow a friend to show up in my life, He knows when to send a hug my way, he knows how to make me laugh when nothing else can, or He may put his word in front of me in some really crazy way each day to speak truth to me. ( side note… when I got to church today I was struggling. I’m usually pretty good at disguise but the moment I stepped into my seat I began to cry. The simple heartbreak of being there without Dennis came rushing in. WELL God is good. A friend who was sitting somewhere else just all the sudden got up and came over and sat with me. She had no idea how much I needed that but GOD DID. ( thanks Wanda)
Truth is….. God is the ONLY reason I have made it this far. I say that about my life in general. We all have a story to tell, it’s just a matter of whether we want to tell it or not. Sometimes we see sharing our struggles as weakness and we don’t want others to see us as weak. We feel vulnerable and alone and we don’t want others to know we are feeling those things… BUT truth is “isn’t that part of our testimony”, allowing others to see that on our own we can do nothing.
I had to learn to lean on GOD way before all THIS. Truth is though I’ve never known just how hard you can press in, lean on and cry out to GOD until this. He has seen me through some tuff times and I”M EXPECTING and claiming victory over the loss of the love of my life and this broken heart as well and I want to get there with JUST GOD.
I know none of you do this, but I talk out loud to GOD a lot these days. When a situation arises that i’m uncomfortable with I’m like, “OKAY GOD so what do I do about this”, ” how do I handle this” . The good news is that Dennis laid a earthly foundation for me with His wisdom and his ability to remain calm in all things. I was BLESSED ( and spoiled) beyond measure for his care for me as a husband. ( and i’m not talking bout monetary things.) I would give it all away for just one more conversation, one nap together on a Sunday afternoon, just to hear him say “I LOVE YOU” or to have another one of his hugs.
DO you believe that GOD is ABLE? Do you want to live your life depending on God ? DO you believe that GOD wants you to live an abundant life? I do. I don’t want the lessons that I’m learning to just be for me, I want GOD to equip me to share them with others. I want to be stronger and firmer in my walk with HIM and learn to trust him with out even thinking another thought.
God is the only reason I made it this far….. What are you struggling with today? What do you need GOD to bring you through? How far are you going to allow GOD to take you???? Won’t you allow Him to take you THIS FAR.