Unsharp Knives, crinkled paper and a broken heart….
My heart has been swelling up a lot lately.. Truth is i’ve been about to explode into tears. The continued hurt of losing the other half of my heart seems like a wart that keeps recurring . It just won’t go away and some days the only thing you can do is try to cover it up.
My pastor preached a sermon Sunday about what truly matters in your life. He ask some hard questions.
1. What Moves you to action?
2. What things bring you to tears? As in those you would cry over.
3. What do you dream about? What keeps you up at night?
4. When’s the last time you did anything for the 1st time?
5. What one thing could you add to your life every single day to enrich it?
Good questions to ask yourself?
This past week I picked up a couple of little toys for the twins. Little rubber animals that you can put a ball in their mouth and then squeeze their stomach and the ball shoots across the room. It was really fun watching them do that over and over and YES it allowed me to sit down alittle bit and rest . HAHA THEN all the sudden Isla came up with this serious look on her little face and said, “YAYA my ball is missing.” I said, “well where do you think it went baby?” she knelt down in front of the armor in my living room and said, “I think it went under here.” OH REALLY? She stretched her little arms as hard as she could and couldn’t reach it. Oh how she wanted that ball back. SO YAYA got up and got down on my hands and knees and stuck her arm under there. Had to end up getting a broom handle to get it out but with the ball came a couple of other things. Imagine that. HAHA a hair clip and a ball made out of crinkled up paper. At first I thought what is this? then like a wave… emotions ran through my body. Memories took over. I thought “oh my, this has been under there since the last time Dennis played with Ki-Ki ( our cat). I just began to cry. I could see him sitting on the floor batting that piece of crinkled paper back and forth with her. OH YES , It’s the little things.
Then the next day I was making chicken salad for a baby shower and in the middle of cutting up veggies I thought, “What is wrong with this knife.. it’s so dull.” OH YEAH, Dennis always kept my knives sharpened. They have not been sharpened in awhile. Another jolt in my chest. OH YES, it’s the little things.
QUESTION: Do you ever find yourself worn out from the same ole fight? The same ole hurt? The same ole problem? You know the one thats taking your breath away and seems to keep breaking your heart…. Changing your life day by day.
QUESTION: Could you use some TLC? When’s the last time someone just put their arms around you and held you and never spoke a word but that simple act let you know that EVERYTHING was going to be okay.
QUESTION: How many time have you put those hiking boots on just to try to reach the top of the mountain again?? You think if only I can get to the top I will find peace, get some rest and my heart will beat normal again.How long before the mountain becomes just a HILL? And how long does it take for the HILL to just become a pathway?
QUESTION: How long before all the things ( memories) that were in your life become the very things that THRUST you forward in life.?
Grief isn’t 5 steps…. 5 phases….. 5 anything. IT’s a place where you stand still, quieten your soul and gasp for air while the world goes on around you. Somewhere along the journey you say, “so God, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?”
I have ask that question many times since losing Dennis… Somewhere along the way I turned it into a prayer. “what God, tell me Lord, What?” Yes, in a LOUD VOICE…
Grief is WORK, you have to diligently seek the path PAST IT. See if things haven’t turned out like you think they should in your life the first thing you need to know, and CLAIM, is that GOD never changed HIS plan for your life. He doesn’t un-equip you for the job he put in your “plan” book years ago. He doesn’t take away your gifts because of a broken heart. I know you might be saying right now, “what plan, this doesn’t feel like a plan.”
He grows us in the brokenness. Just reach in and grab ahold of your heart and hand it over to HIM. Keep maneuvering life and allow GOD to keep walking life out with you.
Psalms 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. Bandages come through friends, their prayers, God’s word, a hug, a spoken word. He just keeps them coming if you will let HIM.
Cherish those in your life that make you better.