I was blessed to get to keep my grand girls New Years Eve night. We had our own little “ring in the New Year” party. I bought party hats, blow whistles, poppers and of course sparklers. They loved it. As the smoke rose up from the sparklers I was reminded of the fear I’ve had of firecrackers all these years. Childhood accident fixed that for me.
My Kids came to pick up the girls, we ate lunch and spent some time around the table. It was all great until they began to back out of the driveway. I had to walk away because my heart was breaking. I looked over at my big ole house and watched them pull out of the drive and tears began to roll down my face. At that instant I felt all alone…. So very alone. I was taken back to that very day last year January 1, 2015. It was a day, the first day that I was able to literally cry out to GOD for help. It was the first time I had been able to speak to HIM personally, pray to HIM privately, since Dennis had died. I remember laying in my bed alone crying out to HIM in such a way that I was literally hollering at HIM. I remember everything getting quiet and I”m not sure how long I actually laid there but I remember HIM rushing in and bringing peace to my heart. I remember feeling the Holy Spirit literally breathe on me. It was a moment I’ll never forget… The last couple of days have been tuff. I’d like to say that my days are all easy now and that I’m moving on, but truth is Grief, losing the love of your life, is quiet the adventure. It changes everything about your life and most everything about you. I’ve been pondering over life these last couple of days and as most have been posting their New Years resolutions I have been asking GOD to simply show me my next step.
Today as I stood in church and worshipped GOD I began to release that hurt and pain to HIM. With each word of the song we were singing I could feel myself getting closer and closer to HIM. It was as if it was just ME and GOD. Not another soul in the church. The last couple of days I would compare myself ( or my emotions rather) to a ship that is being hit from every side with crashing waves and wind, being tossed to and fro out of control. I have felt helpless. I’ve felt like a ship that is lost and off course…..
BUT ( as the music played) as the storm began to subside, I could see through the darkness and the fog, a light.( My heart began to beat alittle faster) It started out as a small glimmer (the voices were soft) then it began to get alittle brighter( the voices were getting louder, I was singing louder, I was crying out louder) and I began to feel HOPE again. I found myself alittle more settled,( from my mouth came devotion for Him) alittle more safe. I quickly realized it was the light coming from the lighthouse. ( I worship you Lord for WHO you are ) The (lighthouse) one that is always there waiting for me to return home. Standing strong, shining bright waiting for my return…….I felt removed from the present state and transformed to a safe place with HIM. I saw HIM today as the lighthouse in the storm.
Matthew 8:23-26 Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “you of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, “what kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”
ME: He is the LIGHTHOUSE…..

I have to admit that this past year has probably been the worst year of my life but at the same time in many ways it has been the best. Many of you have heard me say that before. It has been filled with a lot of doubt, hurt, confusion, fear and some misunderstandings. With each day I had to learn to lean on others. Something i’m not really good at. As each day, and month passed I also found myself leaning on God like never before. I found that right in the middle of all my hurt and pain our relationship was stronger than ever. I have learned to cherish true friends more, I found myself worshipping different, writing more and more and wanting to be the very person that my husband had always encouraged me to be. I still have a lot of work to do but i’m looking ahead at 2016 to be that year. The one where I grow into the very person that God has been molding me to be my entire life.
I hope that as you face 2016 you will find that your fears are only as scary as you allow them to be. I hope you find out that your never alone… God is always standing along side you. I hope that you find that you are blessed even in the midst of tragedy and confusion. I hope that you find that it really doesn’t matter what your going through, it matters how strong you are at the end of it. I hope that GOD will become more real to you in 2016 than ever before. I hope that you will let go of the religious activities and truly engage in a relationship with HIM. Worship with freedom and start coloring outside the lines with your faith.
These two photos represent where i’ve been and where i’m heading.. There is no question that even in my darkest hour and in your darkest hour … HOPE REIGNS…..

There are so many things that I could say about grief… Things I couldn’t say before Dennis Died. Grief is something that changes you, changes the world you live in. Grief brings God forward and You backwards. Grief can tell no time, it spares no heartache, it will make you think you are going crazy at times. There is no time period for the grief process, there is no “Okay, it’s been a year, snap out of it” like most people think.
As our community heard the tragic news yesterday of this young man ( JK Robinson) my heart was crushed… I felt sick inside and instant hurt for this wife, their children and all the family involved. Having lost my father at a young age, I do know the pain and the misunderstandings that can sometimes come from that. I pray that these children will become Casey’s anchor in this journey and that God will show up and show out. There are no words to really say….. there is ONLY GOD when Grief strikes.
Grief is a journey all it’s own. It can be consuming…. If you dig deep enough in the process you will find greater things about GOD, more than you ever hoped to learn about your self and truth is you will learn a lot of things about others. This Jesus Calling devotional this morning came at just the perfect time. Thinking upon the Robinson family as they face this journey and thinking on my own journey as I continue mine. Grief can be consuming….In this devotional it highlights the scriptures in Lamentations 3:22-24. Not Consumed are the important words here. As you can see by the photos of my newest T-shirt they mean something to me.
Be Not Consumed………

Jesus Calling
Though I bring grief, I will show compassion. So do not despair when hard times come your way, and do not try to escape them prematurely. Timing is My prerogative! There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. Grief is a season, and I use it for your good.
Unlike the four seasons of the year, the seasons of your life are not orderly or predictable. When you are grieving, you may feel as if sorrow will accompany you the rest of your days. But remember that I have promised to show compassion. So great is My unfailing Love for you!
When you are suffering, search for signs of My merciful Presence. Even during your darkest days, streaks of Light break through the storm clouds-providing hope and comfort. My unfailing Love shines upon you always. Look up to Me and see My Face shining down upon you. I never run out of compassions. They are new every morning.
Though [the Lord] brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. -Lamentations 3:32
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. -Ecclesiastes 3:1
The Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you. -Numbers 6:25 nkjv
Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I hope in Him! -Lamentations 3:22-24